It’s among the first things we learn as children: one comes before two. The fact that one comes before two may have been one of the first absolute, self-evident truths that I embraced. Relationships By The Numbers Yet, I forgot that one came before two, especially as applied to my relationships and myself. I don’t mean that I forgot to put myself first (one) before others (two). No one needed to teach me that either. I knew from birth how to look out for numero uno. What I mean is that instead of understanding the importance of being a healthy, […]

When you learn of your spouse’s affair, it feels so disempowering. The one you love has deceived you. He or she has acted without regard for your feelings or for the best interest of your family. Along with the flood of emotions you feel at that point, you probably also feel powerless over your life. You were the faithful one, the one who kept the marriage vows, the one who was all in. And now you feel like you’ve been stabbed in the back by the one who promised to love you for better or worse. What can you do […]

Hurt people hurt people. That’s why it’s so easy to say or do things that you know would hurt your spouse when you’ve found out he or she has been unfaithful. Silence/Withdrawal Protecting yourself from further hurt by retreating to your own little space is a coping habit that many people learn as children. Rather than have a healthy conversation that addresses the issue, many people choose to just avoid the issue altogether. It may be your first response when you discover the affair, but in the end it doesn’t solve anything. It delays healing at best, and at worst, […]

My husband’s affair caused me to lose several things. There were physical losses such as. sleep, appetite, and focus. There were also emotional losses like the ability to control my thoughts from obsessing. But those losses were all short lived. It’s the more permanent losses that came through the recovery process that I’m most glad about. And I hope to remain in the loss of these things for a lifetime. I lost the pressure to appear “perfect” to everyone. Facing friends and acquaintances after we told everyone about the affair was awkward at first. But I survived it. Surviving that […]

If you have just learned that your spouse had an affair, you feel like crap right now. First, I want to tell you how sorry I am that this has happened to you. You do not deserve this and you did not cause it either. Second, I want to tell you that your life will feel crazy for a while. Hang in there. There is hope for getting through your emotions and helping yourself feel more normal again. I don’t expect you to believe me right now, but in time, you will be able to breathe again. But for now, […]