Have you taken a look backward lately? If you’re like me, you hardly ever look behind you at the past. You’re much more focused on how much ground you still have to cover and how fast you can get there–no matter the situation. But I think it can be really helpful to take inventory of your successes sometimes, especially when it comes to affair recovery. It can be so daunting to look at the future and wonder if you will ever make it to having the relationship that you want to have. If you take a few minutes to look […]

In order to grow your relationship, you and your partner will each need to communicate in a sensitive, loving way. You may feel very far from being able to do that right now, but Becky and I have come up with a simple way of approaching conversations, called “HELP ME” conversations. This template gives us a platform for replacing negative communication which tears down with positive communication which builds up. When we communicate with one other, we seek to communicate with: Honesty Emotion Listening Presence Mirroring Empathy HELP ME conversations will help you better understand your spouse better and help […]

It’s not uncommon for women who have been betrayed to be single and without any hint of a romantic relationship for a long time after the affair and divorce. Sometimes the infidelity leaves a woman so wounded that she simply has no desire to try dating again. Sometimes a woman’s marriage was so toxic and hurtful that she is perfectly content without a man in her life. But for many betrayed, now-single women, it’s a different story. They would like to begin dating again. They would be flattered and interested if a man began to pay attention to them. So […]

Previously, we’ve talked about the oft repeated sentence, “I love you, but I’m no longer ‘in love’ with you.”  The assumption is that if the initial passion, romance, and energy is gone then the relationship is doomed for a lifetime of drudgery. Given that fate, divorce does seem like the better option. Many couples have had a “lull” after the infatuated, chemically driven love of the early years dissipates and they’ve successfully found their way to the mature and deeper love that comes with intimacy, trust, and commitment. Not all couples will experience this lull. Some will successfully make the […]

We each have a “Trust Bank” inside of us with accounts for every person we know. Our interactions with other people lead to “trust deposits” or “trust withdrawals.” The more we interact with people the more opportunities they (and we) have to make deposits or withdrawals. This determines how much “credit” they have with us. This also determines if we can lend them more trust or not. When we first married our partners, we each had a certain amount of capital that had built up in that bank. A lot of this trust was “credit” based on assumptions. However, as […]

As the date of your affair Discovery Day (Dday) approaches on the calendar, you feel that all too familiar knot in your stomach. You start to obsessively think about the affair again. You get agitated and depressed and angry all over again. You are not alone in dreading the anniversary of the day you discovered your spouse’s affair. You can’t stop the day from coming and you can’t make yourself forget the date when your world fell apart. What can you do to make your feelings surrounding Dday better? 1. You can reframe the day in your mind. Instead of […]

Father God, I really struggled to have joy after the affair. Of all the emotions I felt, joy was the furthest thing from my mind most of the time. So when I read your word and saw that I’m supposed to have joy when I face various trials, it made me really confused. How is that possible? How could I be joyful when I’m bawling my eyes out? But I think I’m starting to make some progress with it now. I’ve been praying to you for comfort and wisdom and peace. I’ve been learning so much about you since the […]

You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. For whatever reason, your spouse doesn’t want to heal the marriage. That doesn’t mean you can never get healing on your own.. It’s important that you do several things for your healing. Grieve You will feel all kinds of emotions as you grieve. Shock, anger, sadness, denial, and many other emotions mixed in as well. Some of them will pass more quickly than others. Some of them will be easier than others to express. It’s important that you allow yourself to feel these emotions. There is no timeline for […]

It’s very important for the betrayer to answer all the questions of the betrayed spouse. Having answers helps calm the obsessive thoughts of the betrayed. Being truthful and honest about the affair also helps the betrayer begin to rebuild some credibility. Oftentimes, the same question will be asked over and over again by the betrayed spouse and it’s important for the betrayer to answer the same question over and over as if it’s the first time. This needs to happen for as long as the betrayed partner needs it to happen. There are some good reasons for this, but I […]

Sometimes you know your marriage needs some changes. You and your spouse both have a general feeling that things could be better, but the way to improve things isn’t clear to either or you. Often, your marriage doesn’t need a gigantic change, it would benefit by a few simple tweaks. Here are some ideas of a few things that you and your spouse could stand to do a little more of and a little less of. A little more … Eye contact Life can get so busy that we speak to each other in passing and hardly spend a meaningful […]