Have you taken a look backward lately? If you’re like me, you hardly ever look behind you at the past. You’re much more focused on how much ground you still have to cover and how fast you can get there–no matter the situation. But I think it can be really helpful to take inventory of your successes sometimes, especially when it comes to affair recovery. It can be so daunting to look at the future and wonder if you will ever make it to having the relationship that you want to have. If you take a few minutes to look […]

It’s not uncommon for women who have been betrayed to be single and without any hint of a romantic relationship for a long time after the affair and divorce. Sometimes the infidelity leaves a woman so wounded that she simply has no desire to try dating again. Sometimes a woman’s marriage was so toxic and hurtful that she is perfectly content without a man in her life. But for many betrayed, now-single women, it’s a different story. They would like to begin dating again. They would be flattered and interested if a man began to pay attention to them. So […]

We each have a “Trust Bank” inside of us with accounts for every person we know. Our interactions with other people lead to “trust deposits” or “trust withdrawals.” The more we interact with people the more opportunities they (and we) have to make deposits or withdrawals. This determines how much “credit” they have with us. This also determines if we can lend them more trust or not. When we first married our partners, we each had a certain amount of capital that had built up in that bank. A lot of this trust was “credit” based on assumptions. However, as […]

As the date of your affair Discovery Day (Dday) approaches on the calendar, you feel that all too familiar knot in your stomach. You start to obsessively think about the affair again. You get agitated and depressed and angry all over again. You are not alone in dreading the anniversary of the day you discovered your spouse’s affair. You can’t stop the day from coming and you can’t make yourself forget the date when your world fell apart. What can you do to make your feelings surrounding Dday better? 1. You can reframe the day in your mind. Instead of […]

You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do. For whatever reason, your spouse doesn’t want to heal the marriage. That doesn’t mean you can never get healing on your own.. It’s important that you do several things for your healing. Grieve You will feel all kinds of emotions as you grieve. Shock, anger, sadness, denial, and many other emotions mixed in as well. Some of them will pass more quickly than others. Some of them will be easier than others to express. It’s important that you allow yourself to feel these emotions. There is no timeline for […]

It’s very important for the betrayer to answer all the questions of the betrayed spouse. Having answers helps calm the obsessive thoughts of the betrayed. Being truthful and honest about the affair also helps the betrayer begin to rebuild some credibility. Oftentimes, the same question will be asked over and over again by the betrayed spouse and it’s important for the betrayer to answer the same question over and over as if it’s the first time. This needs to happen for as long as the betrayed partner needs it to happen. There are some good reasons for this, but I […]

After an affair the jumble of raw emotions you feel can be completely overwhelming. You can experience so many intense feelings in such a short amount of time that you begin to feel lost in the mire of your feelings. The emotions that you are feeling are part of the grieving process. It’s very important that you take the time to grieve what you’ve lost because of your spouse’s affair. If you attempt to shortcut your grieving process, you end up suffering longer than you need to in the long run. Grief isn’t something that you can cover up and […]

One of the things that makes infidelity so unbearable is the intense grief that accompanies it. That may sound obvious. But you may be one of the many people who go through life up to that point with relative stability. The infidelity can be the most severe feeling of loss that you have ever experienced. You find that you are underprepared for the onslaught of emotions that you incur upon discovering the affair. It’s hard to understand the surge of emotions (or perhaps non-emotion at first) that you are feeling. What is going on with you? Why do you feel […]

Your spouse cheated on you and now it’s Christmas time. There are family get-togethers and parties with friends. You’re expected to go to these events. You probably will. But how will you survive them now that there is a black cloud of betrayal hanging over your head every day? Your situation could have two scenarios. 1) The people in your social circle know about the affair. 2) The people in your social circle don’t know about the affair. A third scenario would be that only some of the people at a particular get-together know about the affair, but the solutions […]

I read an affair recovery forum the other day where a woman was asking for advice about what gift she should buy for her unfaithful husband for Christmas. Their relationship is not yet mended. She was uninspired to buy anything, but she didn’t want to make the kids wonder why she didn’t buy their dad a gift. Lots of people commented with bland suggestions. Lots of people commented with snarky suggestions. I wonder what she’ll end up buying? “What does my spouse want for Christmas?” is a question no unfaithful spouse should ever need to ask. The list is very […]